“Well, you can’t keep having abortions forever,” I respond quickly. And we both laugh because we know I am mostly just joking.
I’ve always been confused about what to do with myself but I’ve known I wanted to be a mom. And when I know I want something, I go out and get it. My husband, Chris, and I had been together for four years and married for one month when our first daughter was born. During the time we were dating I was carefree and irresponsible. We were passionately in love and we spent all our spare time having sex and smoking pot.
Motherhood has been better than I ever expected. My girls are smart and funny. They don’t want a Kleen-ex, they ask for a “tissue for my issues.” They wear headbands around their foreheads like sweatbands and call them “Bro-bands.” They look at their dad with hearts in their eyes and it makes me fall in love with him all over again. He is obsessed with them and treats them so well, and in doing so, he is awesome to me. And it makes me feel brave, like I could do anything.
Having kids at twenty two isn’t for everyone. But it was just right for me. My kids were my constant companions through almost all of my twenties. They helped me figure out who I was when I couldn’t do it alone. They helped me find my voice. They adored my mom and kept me going when I had to say goodbye to her. And now they help me to keep her memory alive.
I will say some raunchy, insulting shit about my kids in the future, just for laughs. And I don’t like to disclaim those funny things by saying first, “I love my kids, but…” because it makes the revelations much less shocking and therefore less satisfying for me. But make no mistake, once and for all: I love my kids. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.