The entertaining and talented Miss Fanny P. has awarded me the ABC Award! In this case, ABC stands for “Awesome Blog Content.” Sheesh, what a compliment. Especially since I blog mostly about death and pubic hair. Thanks so much, Miss Fanny P.
There’s a catch, to accept this award I must choose a word or phrase about myself for each letter of the alphabet. This reminds me of those “Name Poems” we always had to write in elementary school. Back then, there was no google, so the “Y” in Mary was always “Yellow, I like yellow.” I think I’ve done better with “Y” in this version.
ANXIETY Sure, it isn’t my best quality. But it starts with an “A” so I’m leading with it.
BOOTY SHAKE I do one hell of a booty shake for a white girl.
COOL I don’t care what my kids say. I’m cool.
DEPRESSION My husband was immediately attracted to my dark, mysterious side. Turns out it was just depression all along. Sucker!!
EMPATHETIC I’m way too empathetic. But don’t think for one second that I actually give a shit!
FLATULENT A true lady knows that whoever smelt it dealt it.
GODLESS I’m just good for goodness’ sake.
HUSTLER I’m great at talking people into things.
INDECENT I pretty much say whatever. The more shocking the better.
JITTERY I drink WAY too much coffee most days.
KOALA I had a dress with a koala on the front when I was a little girl. I refused to wear anything else.
LACKADAISICAL Ever since my mom died it’s been hard to care about things.
MAVERICK Blazing my own trail since 1982.
NUDIST Around the house, at least. Pants are for sissies.
OZONE DESTROYER Back to that whole flatulence issue again.
PISSY I can be a real smartass, but only if I love you.
QUEER I’m just a little bit gay.
RECALCITRANT I don’t like being told what to do.
SARDONIC Luckily this isn’t a job interview because I’m not coming off very well at this point.
TALL I am six feet tall. I can reach EVERYTHING.
URBAN Small towns are so boring.
VULGAR I like bad words and I cannot lie.
WAGGISH When we pull out of the driveway for school, I always ask the girls if they have their moustaches combed.
XERIC Google came through for me on this X-adjective. Nebraska can be dry at times, but boy have I adjusted to it. See? It fits.
YEARLY The frequency with which I actually get the urge to perform fellatio.*
ZONKED I could use a nap. Always.
*Young poet Chris Rock said this about marriage and blow jobs in 2004. I’m still laughing.Nobody gets you ready for this shit. That’s right, fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs.
If you like blow jobs, marriage ain’t for you.
I haven’t had a blow job in seven years.
I’ve had fellatio.
When you’re single, you get the best blow jobs in the world, 8, 12, 15 minutes straight
like the girl’s auditioning on your dick, like she’s giving your dick a second opinion,
like she’s going for her scuba licence.
You get married, every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job.
It’s like three licks. “Is it hard? Put it in. I gotta fold these clothes.”
What kind of lazy-ass blow job is this shit?
If we was at a restaurant I would send it back.
Waiter, this blow job ain’t ready yet.
Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough.