I stumbled in to my dad’s house at 2:00 in the morning. My eyes were bloodshot and my heart was racing due to a mix of adrenaline and coke. Well, technically it was Diet Coke but I felt like I’d been on a real coke bender. I drank around forty ounces of cold, pure D.C. at the movie theater with my friends and it was having an exciting effect on me. I wanted to beat up a pedophile or bite the heads off of some chickens or something. I was juiced. Instead I had sex with my husband in my dead mother’s bed. Which was fine, but difficult, because the mattress is really well-padded and absorbent. It gives absolutely no bounce-back.
The holidays felt dark and on New Year’s Day I was so sad that it was starting to scare me. The Polar Vortex, no longer just a cute nickname for my vagina, had me trapped in the house that whole week. And the house I’m living in right now is my childhood home.
I don’t belong here anymore, though. I’m bathing in my mom’s bathtub, washing my family’s clothes in her washing machine, all of it had me feeling totally lost at sea for awhile.
Lost or not, I was determined to make winter break fun for everyone. We made a gingerbread house, had two sleepovers and I took my girls to the Children’s Museum, AKA Mommy’s Personal Hell. We built Lego shops and rode their new scooter. I hope my kids enjoyed it. I hope my personal misery didn’t damage them as much as I think it did.
My own house is still like a sunken ship. Everything is frozen in the moment we left two months ago. The beds are unmade. My hair is in the drain. I think it smells like flowers in there but that’s probably just mold. Mold from water damage that occurred in the beginning of September. And we haven’t even begun to clean it up. It’s a fucking mess.
But all this stuff is just temporary. I only feel this bad because I suffer from depression and when I’m under stress everything seems terrible. I can’t check my messages and I don’t take any pictures of the girls. I lose my voice and writing is impossible. When my depression gets really bad I would do anything to feel better. A (Diet) Coke binge or some sex, eating a million sugar cookies. But in the end I just have to hold on and take care of myself until I feel better. These past few weeks I’ve been feeling pretty good, although our living situation hasn’t changed. I have accepted the boat we’re in right now and I am finding ways to enjoy this time we have at my old home.
Winter can be a hard time for people with depression. Over the years I have learned that I can’t cure my depression but I can learn to cope with it. Below I have listed some things I’m going to keep in mind next winter. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments. Thanks for reading, I have missed my sweet followers.