Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet and I’m going to be her accomplice.
Tuesday night she posted some photographs of her ample butt on Instagram. Both of the photos are by Jean-Paul Goude and one is a recreation of his iconic photograph, “Champagne Incident.” It is a profile shot of Kim with a champagne glass balanced on her ass. The other photograph shows Kim from behind, her dress dropped just below her well-oiled butt cheeks.
When I first saw the pictures, shot for the cover of Paper Magazine, I got a lady boner so big that it knocked the Toshiba off of my lap. Kim’s ass is glorious. The photographs are beautiful. And the #breaktheinternet hashtag? I love it.
I immediately reposted one of the photos to my Instagram feed with the caption, “Post pics of my kids? Yawn #datass #breaktheinternet @kimkardashian” because seriously, who wants to see pictures of your cat or my kids when that ass is available? If I had an ass like that, I would post butt pics on at least a weekly basis. But I’m more of a balance-a-2-liter-of-ginger-ale-on-my-oiled-up-pubic-pompadour type of gal #breakyoureyes.
Kim may just break the internet after all. Tongues are wagging! The photos are all over my Twitter feed. She has proven once again that she can get the entire country’s attention with a picture (and that she has a nice, round ass!). And the world, in turn, has proven that it can be cruel and judgmental (but also that it loves a nice, round ass!).
“Your a whore,” read the comments on Instagram, reaffirming the fact that internet trolls are incapable of using the correct form of “your.”
“Slut!” another Instagram user chimed in. Someone tweeted, “If that lady really wanted to #breaktheinternet, she should have taken a picture of her reading a book. We haven’t seen that.”
Calling Kim stupid is unoriginal and untrue. She is living the dream, making millions of dollars a year, and building an empire with her family out of the opportunity she seized from a leaked sex tape. She works hard and she’s getting what she wants out of life. She’s smart, people, accept it.
What really annoys me, though, are the people that criticize her parenting because she posed, nude, for the cover of a magazine. As if that photograph is causing injury to her child.
The insult rolls off of everyone’s tongue. “She’s a bad mom.”
I honked at a guy the other day. He promptly got out of his car and called me a “stupid fucking bitch,” right in front of my kids. Know how many shits I gave? Zero. But if he would’ve said, “The aggressive behavior you have modeled by honking is robbing your children of a happy childhood,” it would’ve stung.
Because most moms take this shit pretty seriously. We are constantly being judged, most aggressively by our own selves. Raising children is the most important job we’ll ever have and we’re afraid to mess it up. At the same time we are balancing our desire to be a perfect mom with the need for individuality.
We are moms but we are still people. We have sexual desires. Some of us are exhibitionists. We may even, quelle horreur, like attention! It doesn’t automatically make us bad parents.
There are all kinds of parents out there. Some women don’t breastfeed. Some have tattoos. There are moms who would pose with their ass out for a magazine. As long as those moms love and support their children–if their child’s needs are being met, then back off.
Making yourself happy is important. And it’s good to model that for your children. You have to put on your air mask first. And if your “air mask” is showing your ass to the world, then I say, go for it! Then send me the pictures because I like the pictures obviously.
Let’s not judge moms so harshly. We shouldn’t expect a woman to shrivel up and sew mom jeans onto her lower body just because she has kids. If you don’t want to see pictures of Kim’s ass, don’t look. But let her worry about her daughter. It’s not your job to judge her as a parent.